The difference between chocolate pudding and a trip to the moon...

as brought on by the most earth-shaking orgasm imaginable, is actually pretty significant. So please tell me why somedays one either or both will bring me to a state of blissful nirvana, needing nothing else for hours...and other days I simply can't be satisfied by anything.

What do I want? What am I really trying to achieve? In life? relationships? myself? lunch tomorrow?

I didn't want to be married, so I called it all off. So I could be single and have wild flings and run around like a 20 year old in heat. Ok, that is frigging exhausting! Fun for a while, but come on, I'm definetly going to have to start taking vitamins again. So I date one guy (well okay, I'm dating more than one guy, but I only really like one guy). And truthfully, I don't want it to be super serious, certainly not anytime soon. But he is SO hot and cold. I just want to know what's going on and IF he even likes me. And maybe how many other women he is currently liking. Is that being serious? I don't know. I want to not care. This is the torture of dating that I can really do without. And how do you do without these mind games and madness? You become serious and someone's "girlfriend." What I really want is someone to fawn all over me senselessly. But see, its almost inevitable that when that happens, I eat that person for lunch. I'm merciless. Oh geez. I'm sensing a pattern.

I hate my job. Its hard to ever excel at something you don't care about. Because you're only ever going to make a crappy effort at it. So that is precisely what I'm doing. And what happens? My boss says that the manager of the commercial division wants to talk to me about a position. (those of you wholly unfamiliar with my field should know that going from residential to commercial is kind of a step up. KIND of.) Ummm, but I really don't even want to be in this industry. I've done nothing but whine for almost 6 months now about how I'd like to get back into project management or copy writing. I'd love to write for a living. Who the hell is going to hire an unpublished writer with no real experience to speak of? What do I say, "Oh boy, you can totally read my journal. There is a well-written testament to total madness." Yeah that'll totally get me a job. Scrubbing toilets at Burger King.

So, to recap:

Didn't want to get married: called off engagement, started whoring around like Anna Nicole Smith on ecstacy. Got bored. Started trying to date, can't get comfortable....
Hate my job, do it badly, maybe in subconscious hope of getting fired and taking a few paid months off courtesy of unemployment: get the equivalent of a promotion.
REALLY?

I will totally take a dish of chocolate pudding AND a trip to the moon via outrageous mind-blowing orgasm, please. I want them both and I want it all. Quit making me chose, I clearly can't be trusted. The grass is always, always looking greener and when you get to the other side, its really not so much.