The Definition of Insanity...

The Definition of Insanity

as it was once explained to me, is to continuously do the same thing expecting different results. Presumably said "thing" is yielding an unsatisfactory outcome, yet to repeat the actions that produce the negative end is foolish and futile. Yet how many of us can say we do this everyday?

I hate my job, yet I keep getting up and going to it. That's not going to make me any happier. I keep falling in mad, hot lust with gay men...also not causing me much satisfaction. WHAT THE HELL IS MY PROBLEM?

The thing is, I am of at least average intelligence. I'd like to believe considerably above average, but my actions consistently demonstrate otherwise, hence this apparent insanity.

Though, perhaps its not so much a matter of insanity as it is inertia. We tend to stay at motion or at rest. Change is uncomfortable. The unfamiliar, while titilating is fearsome. I love change and hate it all at once. Love it when I'm in charge (ie: painting my bedroom a different color, getting a new haircut). Hate it when I'm not: getting fired, broken up with, house burning down, etc.

I think if we overcame our fear of change, we'd be more likely to seek out the new routes to new outcomes, save ourselves time, frustration, heartache and hangovers.

But in the meantime, I'll continue to ponder that. And maybe have a beer on the porch out in the lovely sunshine.

So its probably time to find a new job...

When you find your self muttering under your breath to your boss, "I will CUT you, bitch!"

Yeah...the "new" position is not so great. I have contemplated the following as coping mechanisms in the past week:

1. bringing a flask to work
2. simply grabbing my coat and walking out and not returning the next time she opens her fat mouth and says something condescending and bitchy
3. getting back on drugs, until I realized, it really ISN'T me, it IS her.
4. hiding something like leftover sushi in her office so it begins to smell utterly putrid within a few days
5. making a voodoo doll that I will commit unspeakable atrocities unto. (shut up about my grammar, I'm mad...in many ways)
6. hiring a hitman(surely there are people out there that have a price, it can't be just in the movies.)

There's more, but I'm sure with the two degrees of separation in this crazy town, there maybe someone reading this who knows my boss and then I'm totally fucked. I'm sure there's some type of Human Resources equivalent to the Patriot Act that would consider these musings a threat to her safety on the job. Implied threat of assault, maybe? Like joking about assasinating the President.

I could go into a whole thing right now about character assasination and how I personal revere and fear for the life of Stephen Colbert right now, but this is ABOUT ME and my MISERY dammit. Since no one reads this anymore anyway, I'm gonna rant like I've never ranted before.

Except not right now. I'm too sober and tired. Give me a couple days, I feel a righteous bender of rage, self-loathing and misdirected violence coming on. Excuse me, I must go now, mix a stiff drink and cuddle with my cats.